Labels: Jokes

...and asks the bartender for a double-entendre.

So the barman gives her one.

Wahey!

After remembering this I thought, "they say innuendo is hard to come by".

Labels: Jokes, Thoughts

Because he was sitting on the deck.

Labels: Jokes

The doctor says to him, "well I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating".

"Why?" asks the shocked man, "what's wrong Doc?"

"Well, for a start, you're in a doctors surgery."

Labels: Jokes

The cat's address is on its collar, so the man goes to apologize to the owner. He knocks on the door, and a little of lady answers. The man says, "I'm so sorry, I've just run over your cat. Can I replace it?"

"I don't know," replies the lady, "How are you at catching mice?"

Labels: Jokes

He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.. Three years later, there's a knock at the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says, "What the hell was that all about"?

Labels: Jokes

The man says, "I'm going to make you the happiest woman alive."

The woman replies, "I'll miss you."

Labels: Jokes

Because he didn't have the guts to fart.

Labels: Jokes

A hummusexual

Labels: Jokes

And he says to the doctor, "Doc, I hurt all over."

He touches his leg, and he winces.

He touches his face, and he winces.

He touches his stomach, and he winces.

The doctor says, "you've got a broken finger".

Labels: Jokes

A buccaneer.

Labels: Jokes

One turns to the other and says, "quiet in her today isn't it".

Labels: Jokes

When one turns to the other and says, "just out of interest, are we poisonous"?
"I don't really know," replies the other snake, "Why"?
"I've just bit my tongue".

Labels: Jokes

The police are closing in so each of them decide to hide in sacks.

The police enter, and to check each sack a police office kicks the sack as he passes it.

First the policeman goes up to the redhead's sack and kicks it and she says, "Meow".

Then the policeman goes up to the brunette's sack and kicks that one and she says, "Woof".

Finally the policeman goes up to the blonde's sack and kicks that one and she says, "Potatoes".

Labels: Jokes

"Bridal?" asks the receptionist.

"No thanks," replies the bride, "I'll just hang onto his shoulders".

Labels: Jokes

He worked for Special Branch.

Labels: Jokes

They both claim that they are better at using computers than the other. After a bit of an argument back and forth they start fighting which immediately gets God's attention. God decides to settle this once and for all and sets a really complicated series of tests for them both to complete. They start working away, making spreadsheets and powerpoint presentations and tons of really complicated programs are written. Suddenly out of nowhere a thunderbolt strikes and takes out the power on each computer. A tense few moments ensue where they both restart their computers. On the devils computer there are no files nothing left, but on Jesus's they are all there.

"No fair God, that's cheating, what did you do?" asks the Devil.

"I didn't do anything. It's just that Jesus saves".

Labels: Jokes

And he's approached by a POW (Predatory Older Woman) who asks him if he'd like to go back to her place. After they are just getting comfortable in bed the woman asks the guy, "Would you be interested in a mother-daughter threesome".

The guy is surprised but instantly agrees.

"Great," says the woman and then calls out, "Mum he said yes!"

-- This joke is by Barry Cryer who I saw performing in I'm Sorry I haven't a Clue two weeks ago.

Labels: Jokes

She's a dark horse isn't she

-- This joke is by one of the nations current premier jokesmiths Tim Vine who is great and I saw on Sunday last.

Labels: Jokes

Sister-matic

Labels: Jokes

So the snails are back. They all seem to come back whenever there's a sudden rainstorm. There they all are wondering all over the pavements. And just when you're not looking, "crack", another one bites the dust.

You might say good riddence, but the snail isn't so keen on being stomped out of existance. But what can snails do about this? They have only one choice... they must evolve.

The big question for the modern snail is what to evolve in to. The most obvious thing would be to turn your shell red or orange. Something with some high visibility for humans. But sadly there is something more deadly to snails than humans (so much for our much vaunted "top predator" status - not even snails are that sacred of us). The snails top predator is a bird and birds main problem is that they can't see snails very well. So almost anything the snails do to make them more visible to humans will likely make them more visible to birds and that, from the snails point of view, would be a bad thing.

So what options do they have. Well my guess is that red is a pretty good colour for this situation. It would be nice and obvious for humans and while the birds might see it more it might also be that birds think that the snails are poisoned and so won't try it. It's a solution certainly but I don't think it will work in the long run. Soon enough the birds will learn that despite the red colour snails aren't poisonous. They could try and become poisonous but that sounds quite hard.

The long term solution was sitting right there on their backs the whole time. What the snails need to do is turn their shells into a kind of stealth bomber technology. A lot of birds and bats who eat snails use a thing like radar to find their pray, so the obvious solution to me seems to be to use this reliance on radar against them. The combination of red colour for humans, radar for bats and okay a little poison wouldn't be such a bad idea - and would certainly stop people getting too many ideas with the garlic butter - all of this will save the snail. Gosh it sounds like it's going to be busy, it better get on with it!

All of this reminds me of a joke:

What did the slug say to the snail?

Big Issue sir?

Labels: Articles, Jokes

...walks into a bra

Labels: Jokes

A roaming catholic

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A cow with a cold.

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The one that's up the spout.

Labels: Jokes

A man walks into a bar and says, "Ouch", it was an iron bar.

He goes up to the bar and says, I'll have a "wool setting".

The bartender says, "I can't do that, I'll crease up."

The man says, "is that irony?"

"No," says the bartender, "our barmaid Alanis Morissette, handles that".

"It's Unfortunate".

"Yes," says the bartender, "would you like to order a beverage?"

"No, I'm waiting for my friends the Scotsman and the Irishman."

"Is this some kind of a joke?"

"No. But I'll take some of these peanuts, they look like they would go with my suit."

"Well they are complementary."

"Is that the best you can do?", says the man.

"Well I thought it was excellent," say the peanuts.

"Look, can you move out of the way," says a horse, "I'd really like a drink.

"Okay," says the Englishman, "but why the long face."

"Because I'm a horse", whispers the horse.

"I can hardly hear you," says the bartender."

"Yes, I'm a bit horse. And I've got a frog in my throat."

"Well let him out and see what he wants," says the bartender.

The frog hops out and jumps on the bar and says, "I'm a prince, one kiss from a beautiful maiden and I will return to my true form".

Alanis Morissette, on hearing this quickly grabs the frog and sticks it in her pocket.

"Oh, you seem a bit desperate," whispers the horse.

"Oh no," says Alanis, "just think of all of the money I can make from a talking frog".

"I know, tell me about it, my mate the panda will be along in a moment, I'm only friends with him because he gets all The Cure and Kiss albums at knock down prices."

"Oh he's not coming here is he," wails the barman, "with his big pauses, I hate the way he can never finish a sentence."

"Look, I'm a member of Greenpeace," says the frog, "and I resent you whaling in public. Also I don't see what's so wrong with probation, everyone deserves a second chance."

"Probation," whispers the horse, "did somebody mention probation - don't tell me the eagle is coming tonight, he talks in such convoluted sentences, each of them having such long claws."

"No, he's not coming, the jump leads aren't coming (in case they start something), the fonts aren't coming (we don't serve their type in here) and Shakespeare's not coming - he's bard.", says the bardtender.

"You know who I feel sorry for," says Alanis, "it's the life-timers, the complete drunks who seem to always be here no matter what time of the day or night it is. Like that male rabbit."

"Yes," says the bartender, "the buck stops here. You might feel sorry for him, but what about my regulars when the neutron comes in? I mean with him there's always no charge."

"Are you sure he doesn't have to pay," asks the Englishman?

"Yes," pipes up the positron, "I'm positive".

Just as he's saying this the dog walks in and says, "I think I'll have some water".

"Water, why not a proper drink, is something wrong?" says the bartender.

"Yeah, I'm feeling a bit ruff."

"Anyway," says the Englishman, "my friends don't look like they're coming. So maybe I'll leave."

"You can't go without a drink," says the barman, "why not have one for the road?"

The Englishman says, "no", and tucks his tarmac back in his pocket and adds, "Well I would stay, but this place is a bit of a zoo."

Labels: Fiction, Jokes, Short

And says, "Fish and chips twice!"

The man behind the counter says, "I heard you the first time."

Labels: Jokes

Pumpkin pi

Labels: Jokes

But discovers too late that it is extremely foul-mouthed and bad-tempered. The bird keeps shouting obscenities at the man, who is forces to lock it in his garden shed to try and shut it up. This does work, and he can still hear the filthy-mouthed bird from the house. In desperation the man retrieved the parrot and shuts t in a cupboard, but the bird still keeps screaming at hi, and now the neighbours are starting to complain about the noise. As a last resort the man shelves the parrot into the fridge. Miraculously the parrot suddenly shuts up , so the man takes the bird out of the fridge and puts it back on its perch The parrot then apologizes for its appalling behaviour and asks to be forgiven. 'That's okay,' says the man, 'As long as you don't do it again."

"I won't," says the parrot, casting a nervous eye at the fridge. "By the way… what did the chicken do?"

Labels: Jokes

One turns to the other and says, "Oo oo ah ah!"

The other replies, "Well, put the cold tap on, then."

Labels: Jokes

Because it would be a fowl proceeding.

Labels: Jokes

Arrrrrrgh 2D2

Labels: Jokes

And notices that the animal has a wooden leg. Curious, he asks the farmer how the pig lost its limb. "Well," says the farmer, "one night the wife and me were asleep when the pig spotted the house was on fire. It broke down the door, ran up the stairs and dragged me to safety. Then it went back in and carried out my wife. Then it went in a third time and rescued my four children. We'd all be dead if it weren't for this pig."
"So did the pig get its leg burned in the fire?" asks the man.
"Oh, no," says the farmer. "But when you've got a pig like this, you don't eat it all at once."

Labels: Jokes

An ig.

Labels: Jokes

One says, "I think I've lost and electron."
The other asks, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

Labels: Jokes

And is surprised to discover six live penguins in the boot. "Yes, Officer - I'm in a terrible state. I won these penguins in a raffle and I don't know what to do with them." Replies the policeman, "If I were you, I'd take them to the zoo."

The following day, the policeman notices the same car and flags it down again. The six penguins are still huddled in the boot, but now they're wearing sunglasses. "I thought I told you to take them to the zoo," says the policeman.

"Yes, you did - and they enjoyed it so much I'm taking them to the seaside today."

Labels: Jokes

The first muffin says, "Boy it's hot in here."

The second muffin says, "I don't believe it! A talking muffin!"

Labels: Jokes

Because not many of them know how to dance.

Labels: Jokes

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."

Labels: Jokes

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "

"No, because he's really heavy"

Labels: Jokes

So the mother superior suggests that they all take their clothes off. Which they all do and work progresses as normal.

After a short time there is a knock at the door and the sister shouts out, "who is it"?

"It is the blind man," comes back the reply.

The mother superior promptly lets him in. Upon which the bloke says, "Nice tits sister, now where do you want these blinds?"

Labels: Jokes

Suddenly, a vampire jumps out onto the car.

"Quick," says one nun, "show him your cross".

So the other nun rolls down the window and shouts, "Get off my f*!k!ng dashboard you c*nt!"

Labels: Jokes

And the zebra is looking back over his shoulder when he sees another zebra at the top of the hill. So the zebra says to the lion, "That's my wife. Fake like you're eating me."

Labels: Jokes

Big Issue Sir?

Labels: Jokes

Labels: Jokes

I keep dreaming about these horrible sexual acts - sadism, bestiality, necrophilia.

Doctor: 'Forget it, you're just flogging a dead horse'

Labels: Jokes

I came for my Paw.

Labels: Jokes

They can dish it out but they can't take it.

Labels: Jokes

...do you smell fish?

Labels: Jokes

The philosopher turns to his colleague and says, "I assume you've read Marx"?
"Yes," replies the sociologist. "I think it's these wicker chairs".

Labels: Jokes

Doctor: I'm sorry to say sir, that that's just the tip of the iceberg.

Labels: Jokes

A whale weigh station.

Labels: Jokes

Dam

Labels: Jokes

and one turns to the other and says, "do you know how to drive this thing".

Labels: Jokes

a green ball in one hand, and a green ball in the other hand. What do you have?

Kermit's undivided attention.

Labels: Jokes

A guy sitting at a bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.
He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an off duty flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself:

"Damn, she doesn't work for Delta."
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?"
She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.
Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk."
This time the woman turned on him "What the Fuck do you want?"
The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said "Ahhhhh, Ryanair!!!

Labels: Jokes

And the bartender says to them, "Is this some kind of joke".

Labels: Jokes

and asks for a Double Entendre.

So the bartender gives her one.

Labels: Jokes

Goulash

Labels: Jokes

Lots

Labels: Jokes

It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, PeggySue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, PeggySue's mother answers and invites him in.

"PeggySue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says. That's cool. PeggySue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do. Harold replies politely that they will probably just go for a drink or to movies.

PeggySue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says "Wha...aaat?"

"Yeah," says PeggySue's mother, "We know PeggySue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, PeggySue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with Her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good Evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled PeggySue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother: "Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"

Labels: Jokes

I've got a mince pie stuck up my bottom.

Doctor: Oh, would you like some cream for that?

Labels: Jokes

Tinsilitus

Labels: Jokes

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

Labels: Jokes

And somebody says to him what are you here as?
So he says, "I'm here as a premature ejaculation."
What? Says the person. I don't get it.
So the guy says, "Sorry, I've just come in my pants".

Labels: Jokes