This article was inspired by the events of a previous article (The debate is especially keen when the baggage is alive. Incredible!).

My owner is going on holiday. And of all the cruel things she has ever done to me this is the cruellest. Because and get this, she isn't going to take me with her. "I like sun" I say, "you're a hamster" she says. "So what," I say. "Well I'm not buying you a plane ticket am I". And with that she thinks the issue is resolved.

But is isn't resolved. She might not buy me an aeroplane ticket but she will get me a tube ticket. A ticket so she can take me to my maker. Well it's her sister but it's my mother! I'm an independent hamster these days. I don't want to go back. All she ever does is run on the exercise wheel and my dad watches. Every time, and I mean every time, he says "Just watching the sport". And then he chuckles. That, right there alone is enough reason to move out without the other 526 reasons.

But there was another reason. The night before the last time I visited I had a friend over. Toby, oh yes the living legend that is Toby, he had come over and we - as usual - hung around in the abandoned bathtub. We used to love it when we were kids but now we just stand by the drain looking cool. Every so often I think about having a scrabble about but then I look at Toby and I remember just how uncool I am.

Anyway just before he left Toby says to me he'll see me soon and I'm to let him know how his gift turned out. I ask him what gift and all he'll say he'd left it up in the cage.

So once he'd gone I looked everywhere for some kind of present but I couldn't find anything.

The next morning I was woken up suddenly and I knew something was wrong because, well, I'd shat myself. That bastard Toby had put something in my water bottle and now I couldn't control my basic bowl functions.

When I finally arrived at my parent's cage I got in there and though I would go straight to bed for a lie down. The moment I got into bed I did a massive poo all over my mother's favourite piece of newspaper. I was so embarrassed but they were furious. For the whole of the rest of my stay they didn't say a single word to me. Not one.

And that is the real reason I didn't want to go back.